


you see me with no halo

by muffincollection



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:48:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24597025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/muffincollection/pseuds/muffincollection
Summary: “It’s okay,” Doyoung mumbles, “You don’t always have to be okay Johnny, you can cry. You can be upset, you don’t have to be the boy everyone wants you to be.”“I’m so fucking scared,” Johnny breathed out, “It’s— It’s like I have to be perfect. I can’t have errors.”“No human is perfect,” Doyoung says, “We are all flawed.”
Relationships: Lee Taeyong/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 22
Kudos: 167





	you see me with no halo

**Author's Note:**

> CONTENT WARNING
> 
> Before going into this work please be aware that there is a lot of dark themes within this. Taeyong’s past is full of violence and sexual abuse as child, but he has silence grown and is still learning to accept his scars and hurt. Johnny’s character is clear to be suffering from the inside, whether it’s his internalized homophobia or if it’s his constant self-degrading nature and questioning of his self worth. All the parents in this are not very good. There is references to self harm and past attempted murder (you will understand later on in this fic.) 
> 
> If you or someone you know is going through something, please reach out. People love you and care for you. You ARE important and you are not worthless. You are not alone. I am here for you and I will listen.
> 
> This entire fic was inspired by Twenty One Pilot’s ‘Johnny Boy’, which is one of my favorite songs.
> 
> This fic does not depict them in real life in any way shape or form. Read with caution and remember this is a work of fiction.

Johnny Seo was average. He lived with his nuclear family in the outskirts of Chicago, he had decent grades, he had a few friends, he worked at a convenient store a few blocks away. There was nothing special about him. 

He lived a boring life. It was the constant get up, school, then work. Sure, it was a little chaotic in some ways. But he didn’t do pretty much anything outside of school. At 18, living in a world where being normal is seen as despicable, he found himself agonizing everything. 

Until his parents woke him up bright and early one morning. 

“John, get up, we're heading to the airport,” his mother told him, she flicks the lights on and crosses her arms. “It’s three in the afternoon.”

“Are we going on vacation or something?” Johnny groaned, he rolled over and shoved a pillow over his head. 

“Did you forget?” she asks, “We are picking our foreign exchange student up from the airport today.”

“Our what?” Johnny sits up at that, “Since when are we getting a foreign exchange student?”

“Since we told you at least a  _ million  _ times!” She walks to his bed and pulls the covers off, making the cold air of the room bring goosebumps to Johnny’s skin, “Up, up, up!”

Johnny didn’t like that. If he thinks hard enough he can recall some sort of passing conversation of a boy coming to live with them. Something about problems with his home, that he was coming as an exchange student to breach a new environment. 

“Where is he from?” Johnny slides off the bed and absentmindedly pats his mom's head, then rummages through his dresser for a t-shirt. 

“He’s from South Korea, it will be nice to have another Korean friend around the house, would it not?” she hums, “You get lonely. I need you to make new friends, not that Doyoung and Mark aren’t good friends for you, but I think you need something to help you freshen back up.”

“You’re acting like they’re my only friends,” Johnny mumbles, “I’m friends with tons of other people.”

“Like who?” she laughs, “If you’re talking about Yuta and Jaehyun then why don’t you bring them around the house, it'll be nice to meet them.”

Johnny laughs a little,  _ they’re total stoners mom, you’d probably faint.  _ But he just shrugs, “One day, I guess.”

They arrive at the airport three hours later, and Johnny really doesn’t know what to expect of it. It’s completely uneventful. That is, until the exchange student actually appears. 

He looks terrified. His mom had mentioned he has some English skills, but they’re not strong. The first thing Johnny notices is how large and black his eyes are, like orbs that lead to an endless void. He also notices how fried his hair is, it’s messy and a tinted washed out blue. 

Johnny’s mom is thrilled when he awkwardly waves and slowly walks over to his family. He stares quietly, hands in his pocket and he gives him the one over. 

Small, lean, fragile. That’s what he guesses, because the boy is shorter than him and his parents. Well, that could be because they’re all fairly tall for one family. There’s photos on his bag, one of a dog, a pretty girl, and then of a cat.  _ His sister? His pets? _

He purses his lips and nods up at the boy, “I’m Johnny.”

The boy quickly darts his gaze to Johnny with wide eyes, “T-Taeyong.”

Ah, Taeyong. Johnny smiles slightly and looks away.  _ What a cute name _ , he thinks. He wipes that thought away immediately, because jeez, he doesn’t need to be thinking about how adorable this boy is, especially when he’s been fighting with his sexuality for what seems to be years. 

There’s a small part that knows he likes boys too, but he doesn’t want to accept it yet. With Taeyong staring at him so scared, he wonders what he’d look like crying. How cute he’d look, cheeks red and his plump bottom lip out. Maybe even if he wasn’t sad, maybe so overwhelmed because— Johnny almost slaps himself into the sun. 

Such provocative thoughts about a soft looking foreign exchange student. 

Taeyong is nice, he complimented his father's shirt and greeted them all respectfully. When they arrive at their home, he thanks Johnny for helping him and says he’ll be okay. 

Johnny stays anyways. He sits on the bed of the guest room as Taeyong hangs his clothes up. All of his clothes look so small. 

“So, what are you here for?” Johnny asks him, “As an exchange student.”

The boy turns at lightning speed with fearful eyes and just grabs another shirt quickly, then shakes his head, “Just… for something new, Johnny.” 

His name sounds really cute when Taeyong says it, like  _ Jiyani. _

“Cool,” Johnny replies. He sees the way the tension disappears from the boys shoulders and smiles, “Hey, I’m going out later. You can come along.”

Taeyong purses his lips, “Isn’t it rude?”

“I don’t think so,” Johnny shrugs and collapses against the bed, “My friends are cool. They’d like you. I think you and Mark would get along? He’s a little chaotic though.”

“Chaotic?” Taeyong tries, “What does that mean?”

Johnny really is beginning to adore Taeyong. Everything he says sounds like a little kitty asking questions. Like on the way home, he asked a lot of soft questions. 

_ “What does it mean?” Taeyong asked him, his hands were clenched in fists on top of his jeans. “The plug?” _

_ “Just something you put into an electrical socket, something that powers up a light,” Johnny laughs nervously.  _

_ He couldn’t tell Taeyong ‘the plug’ meant the guy he gets his shit from. Who is Jaehyun... _

“Just energetic,” Johnny smiles, “He’s very excited a lot of the time, so he tends to be chaotic.”

“Oh, cool,” Taeyong replies,  _ “Do you speak Korean?” _

“Yeah, my mom is fluent so she taught me,” he says,  _ “I can help you learn English.” _

Johnny offers a large smile when Taeyong blushes with a soft nod, then gets back to hanging up his clothes. They sit in silence for hours, all while Taeyong decorates his room and tidies up. 

“Ready to go?” Johnny wraps an arm around Taeyong’s shoulders, which in turn makes him flinch a little, “Ah, sorry.  _ Let’s get out of here. _ ”

——

Doyoung is a goner the moment he meets Taeyong. He asks a billion questions and sits next to him everywhere they go. Johnny can’t tell if Taeyong is terrified or endeared, nonetheless he’s happy Taeyong is getting along, because if they weren’t summer vacation was about to be really awkward. 

At first Mark was a little wary of Taeyong, for reasons he didn’t specify, but soon enough Mark is somehow like an older brother to Taeyong despite being three years younger. 

Maybe Johnny gets jealous over how much Doyoung and Mark love Taeyong, just a little, because maybe Johnny wishes he and Taeyong clicked that easy. 

“Ah, Johnny boy, what’s got you in a death stare with your water bottle?” a voice cackles from behind him, he turns to see Yuta and Jaehyun strolling up. When Johnny looks back over to Doyoung and Mark looking out for bugs with Taeyong, Yuta clicks his tongue, “Jealous that your exchange kid is being babied by your friends?”

“I’m not jealous,” Johnny defends himself, “I’m just annoyed that me and Taeyong didn’t click that fast. What is it about me that makes people so nervous?”

“You’re like, 6’3 and really wide,” Yuta nudges his shoulder for him to sit, “Like you work out and stuff so you’re just a big guy. Maybe Taeyong is intimidated by you.”

Johnny didn’t really consider that, he’s definitely quite big, even compared to Jaehyun who is only an inch or two shorter than him. However, it wasn’t like their first impression was scary. 

“Whatever,” Johnny rolls his eyes and looks back over to the two guys, “You bring my shit Nakamoto?”

“Yep,” Yuta digs through his pocket and slaps it in his hand, “You gonna teach pretty boy how to smoke a joint?”

“Hell no,” Johnny replies, “I’m pretty sure he’s the type to get scared of shit like this.”

He looked down at the bag of marijuana in his hand and shoved it into his backpack without a second thought and offered a tight lipped smile. Jaehyun throws an arm around him, “Bianca is throwing a summer party at her beach house, it’s gonna last all fucking night, bro.”

“Yeah, what’s it to me?” Johnny laughs, “My moms not gonna let me do shit with the kid here. And I am  _ not  _ bringing Taeyong to a high school party for his first months here.”

“God, what's a party gonna do, get him killed or something?” Jaehyun groans, “God, all the hot girls are gonna be there. You  _ have  _ to go, I think that one chick you like on the swim team will be there.”

“I’ll see, I don’t even know if Doyoung or Mark is going,” Johnny replied, he swings his backpack over his shoulder and nods as he has to go, “See ya later, thanks for the shit Yu.”

“Notta problem, Johnny boy,” he winks. Johnny rolls his eyes and jogs up to his friends and Taeyong. 

Taeyong looks at him nervously and picks at nails, then tears his gaze away and looks at Doyoung. Doyoung, who offers a smile, brings an arm around Taeyong. 

“Taeyong is such a sweetheart, you really scored a cutie,” he says to Johnny, who in turn flushes and scowls at the raven haired boy. 

“Oh shut up, Doyoung,” Johnny friend, “You’re acting like we’re dating.”

Doyoung chuckles and pinches one of Taeyong’s cheeks, “I’ll gladly scoop him up.”

The boy shys away and blushes, “It’s okay, we can be friends.”

Mark lets out a cackle, “Ouch, man, you just got denied in the cutest way!” 

“Oh shut up,” Doyoung bites, “Hey, Johnny, did that Jaehyun guy invite you to Bianca’s party?”

“Yeah, what about it?” Johnny quirks an eyebrow, his eyes still on Taeyong, “You going?”

“What, haha,” he scratches the back of the neck, “I just wanted to know if Jaehyun invited you.”

Johnny smirks, it’s not really a secret that Doyoung has a small crush on the younger male. Ever since Johnny introduced him, it’s all Doyoung has talked about. Even when he tried to be subtle with it. 

“Whatever,” Johnny snorts, “Come on, Taeyong. We’re gonna head back home. Mom’s making dinner for us.”

They hop on the bikes they took to the park and head home. It was a peaceful ride, Taeyong didn’t say much other than smile when he eventually caught up. They came to a crosswalk, and Johnny hopped off to wait for the cars to pass, but Taeyong must’ve not noticed because Johnny panicked and grabbed his waist, almost sending them both to the ground. 

“ _ Be careful!”  _ Johnny scolded in Korean, switching to make Taeyong understand a little better. The younger looked at him from behind. 

“I wasn’t looking, sorry,” Taeyong apologized, “Is this city nice?”

“Like the people or  _ the city in general,” _ Johnny asks, “If you mean in general then the city is okay, kinda disgusting.”

“No, people,” Taeyong says softly, “Are they mean?”

“I wouldn’t say so,  _ just be careful and stay with me _ ,” Johnny said. Something told him to tell a little bit of a white lie, as Taeyong looked tense and a little nervous from the question, so Johnny pats his head, “Hey, don’t worry too much, okay?”

When they enter the house, they’re met with the aroma of pasta and meatballs. Taeyong seems curious, but stays next to Johnny. 

“Ah, you’re back!” his father says, he welcomes them with a smile. Johnny nods and just shoves his hands into his pockets to go upstairs. He hears Taeyong patter off behind him before his parents can interrogate him about their afternoon. 

“Why is… aren’t you speaking with your parents,” Taeyong says, his soft English accent making Johnny’s heart feel twisty. 

“They’re just too much sometimes,” Johnny shrugs, “I love them, but I need space.”

Taeyong nods softly, “Mother told me that a lot,” he looked down at his hands, “She would—  _ she would invite guys over that weren’t my dad. _ ”

_ Cheating.  _ Johnny thinks, but he doesn’t interrupt, “ _ I didn’t think much of it. They were just friends, but friends don’t do things that mom and dads do.”  _ Clearing his throat, Taeyong shakes his head, “They liked me too much.”

Johnny quickly puts a hand on his soft hair and smiles, “It’s okay, you don’t have to continue.”

They’re called to dinner moments later and decide to keep the silence that they succumbed to. The table was all set fancy and pretty like they were the nuclear family everyone wanted to be. Johnny’s cat was laying on one of the seats to the island. Taeyong smiled immediately after he saw him. 

“You have a cat!” he grinned happily, he starts to go over and reaches to pet him. 

“He doesn’t like—“ Johnny cuts himself off when he sees his cat, Celery, nudge into Taeyong’s hand happily and hug his wrist, “—People.”

“He seems so nice,” Taeyong lifts the gigantic multicolored fur ball into his arms and hugs him, “I love cats a lot. I used to have a cat.”

There’s a lot Johnny is finding out about Taeyong. His family life is a little fucked up and he likes cats— cheers to him for finding those key parts about him out. 

Celery sits in Taeyong’s lap at dinner, and it’s awkward silence from there on. His mother tries to chat a little bit, but ultimately gets let down by Johnny’s short responses. 

“What college are you going to?” his mother said randomly, “You’ve started looking right? You only have this summer and I don’t think you can even get into a college at this point.”

“I’m taking a gap year and traveling,” Johnny says, “I told you.”

“No you didn’t,” she accuses, “You never tell me anything anymore. You’ve never even brought a nice girl home to meet, you keep on doing things that disappoint me.” 

_ Because you’d never understand.  _ Johnny feels his annoyance build up, he wants to snap at her, but with Taeyong here he doesn’t want him to get the wrong idea. So he favors just staring at her with a cold expression. She crosses her arms and leans back, “Johnny why can’t you just be like the other boys your age?” 

“I don’t have to be anyone you want me to be, I’d rather be happy,” Johnny throws back, “Aren’t you ashamed that you are criticizing your son in front of a house guest?”

She opens her mouth, but closes it again and sends a silent apology to Taeyong, who just shrugs and squeezes his fork. 

“You’ve changed so much, Johnathan, ever since grandma passed away you’ve been so much to handle,” his father joins in, and now Johnny just feels under pressure. Taeyong is silently looking at his food, not knowing what to say— or maybe he just doesn’t really know what they’re fighting about. 

“You’re pathetic,” Johnny responds, “I’m your  _ kid.  _ Your  _ fucking  _ kid _!”  _ he stands, the chair behind him scraping against the floor and storming upstairs to grab his backpack, then when he gets down the steps again he sees Taeyong watching him. 

He has a strange urge to tell him to come with him, to not stay with his parents. Overbearing, manipulative, always putting his emotions down. Johnny wants to just  _ scream.  _ He leaves without a word and gets on his bike, getting away with it down the middle of the road. 

After hours, he’s biking down an empty road. The sun is now below the horizon line and dark clouds are looming in the sky. 

Johnny hops off his bike _.  _

Throwing his bike down, he has an urge to just scream. So he does, and with the screaming birds fly from the tall grass and disappear into the sky. Johnny doesn’t feel any better than he did moments ago, his heart is still racing and he feels as if he ran a marathon. 

“Fuck!” Johnny hits his thigh with a closed fist, he tries to focus on just getting himself to calm down. 

There’s a lot wrong with him. Johnny likes to think he’s normal, that he lives a boring, mundane life filled with nothingness and just his reflection looking back at him. Sometimes he doesn’t realize his closed off nature, his anger problems, and all of his intrusive thoughts. 

He doesn’t realize that the person staring back at him, isn’t him. It’s the person he’s molded himself into to feel like he’s  _ something.  _ He’s nothing but the empty and hollowed out body of a boy. 

Johnny feels tears sting his eyes, he looks at the sky.

_ What would grandma think?  _

He lets himself doze off, and slowly slide onto his knees. It’s pathetic, the way he looks, a sight for sore eyes. But he hasn’t cared for a long time. When it begins to rain, that’s when he takes off his backpack and just holds it to his chest. The cry that falls from his lips is painful, his chest aches from all of the pent up hurt. 

Thinking to himself, he wonders if his parents are concerned. There’s a faint buzzing coming from his pocket which is either his parents or one of his friends, but he doesn’t have the energy just yet. When it begins to rain he just lets it soak him to the core. 

It’s cold. The summer air does nothing to keep him warm, all it brings is a gentle wind. After a few more minutes, he pulls out his phone and shields it from the rain, looking through the people who have messaged him in the past hours. There were a few from his mom, but then he saw millions from Doyoung and Mark. He ignores his mom's messages and sends his location to Doyoung without any proper words. 

Johnny looked at the horizon line, it was gone with the dark clouds and he was met with the cold of the night. The crickets chirped and quite frankly a serial killer could come out and kill him and no one would know who did it. Or maybe a hit and run, hit him out of his miserable life. 

There’s no happy endings, Johnny decided that long ago when he got his heart broken by his first girlfriend. She cheated on him, then blamed him because he was socially awkward. 

It was ninth grade. 

He admits he’s awkward and doesn’t really enjoy talking to people outside his comfort zone— but socially awkward? Johnny didn’t find himself awkward in social situations. Most people avoided him and he avoided them. There was no tension. 

It’s thirty minutes when Doyoung pulls to a stop a few feet away. The boy gets out of the vehicle and holds an umbrella over his head, looking at Johnny with the same eyes he gave him when his grandmother passed away. Those same eyes he gives when Johnny loses himself to his anger. 

“You did it again,” Doyoung comments, “You know, I don’t ever know what’s going on with you. It’s like speaking to an open window. The voice gets out, but if no one is listening what’s the point?”

“Doyoung, I think there’s something wrong with me,” Johnny says, “I’m scared.”

Doyoung closes his car door and opens his arm for Johnny to come into. He let’s the taller man collapse into his arms and slowly drops the umbrella onto the ground with a silent  _ thud.  _

“It’s okay,” Doyoung mumbles, “You don’t always have to be okay Johnny, you can cry. You can be upset, you don’t have to be the boy everyone wants you to be.”

“I’m so fucking scared,” Johnny breathed out, “It’s— It’s like I have to be  _ perfect.  _ I can’t have errors.”

“No human is perfect,” Doyoung says, “We are all flawed.”

——

Johnny watches as Taeyong ties his converse. They had decided to go to the skate park, where Jaehyun and Yuta said they would be. It was almost eighty degrees outside, but Taeyong still wore a thin sweater jacket over his body. 

“Are you cold?” Johnny asks, and he immediately realizes that the question is insanely insensitive. 

Taeyong tenses and just offers a tight lipped smile, “I just get… cold easily.”

They share a beat of silence before Johnny holds his hand out and shrugs all of the awkwardness away, “Okay, let's get going then.”

He lets Taeyong ride his bike. One he thinks Taeyong looks absolutely adorable riding a bike and two, Taeyong can’t skateboard. 

“When we go down the hill, don’t peddle okay?” Johnny says, “Just let the wind take you. Drift away.”

Taeyong nods, “I did that all the time in Korea.”

“Then it’s just like there, okay, we will just drift and let the wind take us away,” he pushes off on his board and swerves around a little, Taeyong behind him just by a step, “Don’t be afraid.”

The small boy stops for a second before he goes down the hill, and just before Johnny pushes down he looks back at him, “I’ll be here, if you fall I fall. You’ll be okay.”

Softly, Taeyong nods and bikes a little until he’s at the curve of the hill. It wasn’t  _ that  _ steep. But it was quite a nice hill to go down. He pushes off and then he’s a free ball, Johnny follows shortly after and catches up in no time. 

Johnny hollers a  _ woo!  _ To which Taeyong laughs at. The smile is genuine and Johnny feels his heart race and it’s  _ not _ the adrenaline. By the time they’re slowed down, Taeyong is giggling. 

“That was very nice,” Taeyong halted the bike and got off it. Johnny doesn’t expect Taeyong to jump and wrap his arms around his waist, his petite frame snug against his body, “You do so much. Thank you.  _ You make me feel welcome.” _

“Ah, Taeyong, it’s really nothing,” Johnny places a hand on the back of his head, “Is this okay?”

“Yeah,” Taeyong pulls away and fixes himself, “Is Doyoung going to be there?”

“No, but you can meet my two other friends,” Johnny hums, “Yuta and Jaehyun.”

“Yuta,” he rings, “I like that name.”

“Me too,” Johnny laughs, “But let’s go okay?”

Johnny discovers that Taeyong seems to be constantly tense. His shoulders are broad, but the way he stands so squished makes him look much smaller than he already is. He’s shorter than him by a lot, of course, but in terms of broadness Taeyong is most likely closer to him in that. He’s skinny by the looks of it too— he’s never seen him in anything but long sleeves and jeans. 

Jaehyun and Yuta greet them, and immediately Yuta rushes over, “Oh my, are you Taeyong?”

The smaller boy nods and Yuta gushes, “You’re much cuter than Johnny described you. He said you were adorable, but this adorable? I’m in awe.”

“I’m s-sorry, but…” Taeyong started, “Ah,  _ Johnny, what did he say _ ? Too fast.”

“ _ He called you adorable, _ ” Johnny leaves out the part that Yuta mentioned him, “ _ And that he was flattered with your beauty.” _

Johnny decides they can work on English lessons, because he knows Taeyong probably would love to be able to understand what was being talked about without asking. Yuta looks at him with a quirked eyebrow, but wraps an arm around Taeyong’s shoulder and holds a hand out to Jaehyun.

“That’s Jaehyun, or Jae, whatever,” Yuta purses his lips, “We are the best duo you will meet.”

“Oh, hi, Jae,” Taeyong smiles gently and nods his head, to which Jaehyun returns. 

It’s easy to click, despite Taeyong’s personality being so different. While Yuta and Jaehyun are wild cards that are almost always uncomfortable, Taeyong is the center of the universe where peace is. He’s soft spoken, quiet, and he’s good at hiding things. 

Johnny pretends he doesn't see the circular burn marks littering his thin wrists, he pretends that Taeyong doesn’t flinch when Johnny goes up to him unannounced. Johnny pretends that Taeyong isn’t overheating by wearing the sweaters all the time, just offering water. 

Sometimes being quiet is violent, because he begins to not wonder anymore with why Taeyong is such a distant person. As if he’s the center of the universe, but to get to him there’s black holes, meteors, and millions of miles between him and the person trying to reach him. Johnny wonders if being the person who doesn’t speak makes it worse. 

Because he’s accidentally seen Taeyong shirtless, his body is scarred and his heart broke at the sight, but he didn’t say anything. 

Johnny asks him if he’s okay at some point, but Taeyong doesn’t answer, he just instead oats his head and continues reading the English book. Maybe he shouldn’t bring it up during English lessons. 

Taeyong has exceeded a lot in his English skills by the middle of June. It’s been officially a month since he’s come, and Johnny worries about Taeyong when he goes to work and has to be alone. He lets Doyoung and Mark be with him sometimes, but he doesn’t want his parents pestering him because they’re overbearing and care too much. 

It’s annoying, really, how unfair his parents can be. The people he’s supposed to love the most making him feel unsafe. 

The longer Johnny thinks about love, happiness, relationships the more the steers away from his thoughts of being bisexual. He doesn’t mind LGBT people, his friends are, he’s been to parades and has fought for their rights since forever. It’s himself that’s the issue, his entire life has been built around liking girls and getting married to one. If he dates a boy and his parents become disappointed, Johnny doesn’t know if he could bounce back. 

Taeyong seems to not like girls in that way. When on the topic of girls he steers away and pretends to not be part of the conversation. Johnny doesn’t know if he genuinely is uncomfortable or if he simply doesn’t like girls. 

So much comes with Taeyong that it’s hard to uncover what he’s hiding in his past.  _ What’s he running from?  _ Why does he keep running from it?

The boy has made hints that his mother was strange, that there was men who were like her that came over often. That his dad was clueless, but wasn’t really all there. Johnny gets his suspicions that his father could be like the others too when Taeyong mentions his father was a strange person. 

Johnny doesn’t push. He’s never been like that. However, sometimes Johnny wishes he was because he wants to keep Taeyong safe. There shouldn’t be anything that hurts him. 

He and his buddies end up doing a few tricks, Taeyong watching from afar on the bench. Johnny is about to go back over to him when he notices a familiar walk up to the small boy. It’s a guy named Kevin. 

At first it seems okay, because Taeyong doesn’t look uncomfortable. If anything he looks happy that someone is talking to him. But it doesn’t last long, because when Kevin settles down next to him he absentmindedly places a hand on his thigh. Something must’ve sparked inside of him, because Taeyong shoots up and almost trips over his own feet. He locks eyes with Johnny and then rushes over to the taller boy. 

“Can we go?” Taeyong tugs on his arm, “I feel kinda sick.” 

Johnny stares at Taeyong for a second, then back at Kevin who looks utterly confused, but ultimately gives a small shrug to Yuta and Jaehyun, “Yeah, lets go.”

Taeyong gratefully holds his arm as they walk away, picking up the bike. He thinks he sees Taeyong offer an apologetic smile towards Kevin, but who knows. Johnny just wants to know what triggered that response. 

_ They liked me too much.  _ Rings through his mind, and Johnny understands that might entail what he really doesn’t  _ want  _ it too. But he hovers an arm and asks for permission, to which Taeyong grants cautiously. 

“Hey, we aren’t close,  _ so if I do anything that makes you uncomfortable please tell me, _ ” he says to Taeyong, finishing in Korean, who looks up at him. His big sparkling eyes bore into his own, and the boy can only nod a little. 

The urge to coddle him is strong, but Johnny doesn’t want to make him uncomfortable. 

When they return to the house, Johnny mentally thanks the world that his parents are gone. He decides to make them lunch, just going for the simple mac and cheese, then telling Taeyong he can eat while he showers. 

Johnny turns the shower on to hot, then strips from his shirt, looking in the mirror. He eyes his body, previous scars from  _ that ‘ _ phase’ he went through in middle school into sophomore year of high school. He turned to other unhealthy coping mechanisms instead. Johnny pressed his lips into a thin line watching himself disappear behind the steam of the mirror. If he could, he’d change so much about himself. 

Maybe not so lanky and unproportionate. 

He takes a deep breath and strips the rest of the way. Same as his torso, his upper thighs are scattered with white scars. Johnny cringes, as he does every time. His parents wouldn’t ever understand, they’ve never seen his body. They wouldn’t know what to do. 

“God, no one understands,” Johnny says to himself, tears brimming his eyes, “Jesus fucking Christ.”

Before anything can escalate, he gets into the shower and lets the hot water burn his skin. Despite being too hot, he powers through and let’s himself relax. There’s a slight tapping at the door, and Johnny chuckles knowing it’s Celery, who worries when Johnny is in the shower too long. 

As if he knew, because cats are like that. Johnny steps out momentarily and wraps a towel around his waist, then goes to the door swinging it open without another thought. 

Taeyong stands there with the cat in his arms, awkwardly with wide eyes as he eyed him. He didn’t look uncomfortable, but he definitely looked extremely embarrassed. 

“I-I’m sorry,” Taeyong spits out, “H-He looked… upset. I wanted to calm…”

He doesn’t mention the scars, but he seems to notice them. Taeyong holds Celery out towards Johnny, “I think he wants to be with.. Daddy.”

The words are pure in the context he says it, but Johnny  _ short-circuits  _ the moment Taeyong says the words.  _ God, I’m unholy.  _ He thinks to himself and takes the kitty from Taeyong’s hands.

“He does this when he thinks I’m in danger, he just bangs the door because he’s scared,” Johnny says slow and soft, so Taeyong understands. “Celery has a thing for knowing when I’m upset.”

“You’re upset?” Taeyong questions, “Is Johnny okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, but Celery doesn’t think so,” Johnny coughs, “Thinks I’ll get hurt.”

Taeyong allows him to be alone after that, and Johnny sets Celery on the toilet. 

“Bringing cute boys to me now?” Johnny says, and in response Celery meows, reaching at him with his paw. “Good kitty, good kitty.” He scratches gently behind the ears, then drops his towel and continues his showers. 

After Celery decides it's too long, he finally gets out and sneaks to his room and changes. He gets into a loose fit white tank top and black jeans. Taeyong is in the guest room so he decides to join him. 

“Taeyong?” Johnny knocks on the door and sees Taeyong staring at his phone, “Can I tell you something?”

When Taeyong nods, saying he understands, Johnny continues,  _ “What you saw, please don’t tell my parents. They’re closed minded and wouldn’t understand. They don’t know about… my scars.” _

_ “Don’t worry,”  _ he smiles gently and looks at his sleeves,  _ “I get it.” _

Johnny feels a sense of understanding.  _ I get it.  _

_ He gets it.  _ Taeyong understands. Of course he does, he’s not here for college. He’s here to escape. 

“Do you wanna go out?” Johnny asks, “I mean, with my friends. We’re going to a bonfire and getting high.”

“High?” Taeyong asks, “Like up high?”

“No, have you ever smoked weed before?” Taeyong shakes his head, and Johnny purses his lips, “I’ll teach you.”

Johnny holds a hand out and Taeyong cautiously takes his hand and gets off the bed, “Promise I’ll be safe?”

“I would never let you get hurt.”

It’s a promise. 

———

Johnny has been hurt a lot in his life. 

He’s gone through hell, losing his grandma who had been his number one support system since he was a child. The women he was able to express his true emotions and feelings to, the only one who knew he might be attracted to boys. She was there to hold his hand when he ran away, clean his scars and kiss him on the head. 

She told him the world hurts the people who don’t deserve it. His grandma was the person he trusted more than anyone in the world. If there was anything he could change, it would be bringing her back. 

Johnny was three years clean of self harm, but the scars were still there. In her hospital room, she asked all of his family to leave except him. 

_ “Johnny, Youngho my baby,” she weakly cradles his hand, “You’ve grown so strong. You have to keep fighting this battle. Make them understand.” _

_ “D-Dont speak like you’re leaving,” Johnny whimpered, “Anyone but you.” _

_ “My boy, please,” she says softly, “Don’t hurt yourself anymore. Your scars show you’ve fought through a battle, they’re your battle scars. But please do not hurt yourself anymore.” _

_ “I-I promise,” Johnny locked their pinkies, “Never. I’ll do it for you. You will stay with me even in the afterlife?” _

_ “I will be by your side forever,” his grandma looks at their hands, “In the form of peace. When you feel that peace, know that I have been there.” _

_ “I love you.” Johnny nods, “If… If you need to let go, if you need to not be in pain anymore it’s okay. I trust you will be happy and comfortable wherever you go. Just never forget your Johnny bear.” _

_ “Never,” she smiles, “Baby, you will always be remembered. You’ll make history.” _

Johnny remembers her final words. He remembers holding her hand till her last breath. The promises he made, the times they shared together. He remembers being dragged away. 

The funeral. Sobbing so uncontrollably, but there was a feeling of being hugged. 

His parents didn’t hug him, they didn’t say it was going to be okay. His mother nodded to him and disappeared. 

Johnny had been the last to leave, he got rained on but it was okay. He biked home alone, but knew someone was protecting him the entire way. Johnny knows it was his grandma. 

When he is brought back from his inner monologue by Yuta jumping onto his back, he smiles and lets out a laugh. 

“Ah! You’ve brought Taeyongie!” Yuta cheers, Johnny looks over to see Taeyong flush in color. 

“Yep, Yongie is gonna smoke with us tonight,” Johnny wraps an arm around him after receiving permission and holds him close, “I’ll teach him.”

Their bonfire is small, Doyoung and Mark end up coming a few hours later and Taeyong is happy about that. He likes Yuta and Jaehyun, but he seems comfortable with Doyoung more than ever. 

Taeyong doesn’t quite understand how to smoke at first, it takes a lot of explaining that he needs to  _ inhale  _ for it to actually work. He looks cute while he tries the first few times, but when he gets it Johnny ruffles his hair and says,  _ good job!  _ Taeyong beams from the praise and even asks everyone else if he did good. 

He’s a people pleaser, but a cute one. He seems to just love being praised and looked after. 

After a few hours, Johnny is relaxing against a wall and Taeyong stumbles towards him cutely. He sinks down next to him and cuddles his way under his arm. 

“Hi Johnny,” he says softly, “Why are you alone over here?”

“Ah, just the air is better over here,” Johnny responds, he pulls Taeyong closer to him, “How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay,” Taeyong whined out, “I’m getting hot.”

He pushes away and unzips his hoodie, then tosses it next to him. Johnny flinches when his bare arms are shown. 

They aren’t gross, but it’s morbid. Johnny is too high to actually function. But it’s terrifying when he sees all of the cigarette burns and scar marks on his arms that do not look self inflicted, more so as if someone else did it to him. 

His arms are bony, malnourished if he can say. He’s so bone thin that his veins and bones at his elbows stick out in a sickly manor. Johnny takes in a deep breath. 

“It’s actually quite chilly, are you sure?” Johnny brings him closer and shields his arms from the view of the others. They’re quite far away, but they’re still able to be seen. If Taeyong wasn’t high, he knows he wouldn’t want people to see his arms. Johnny looks down and catches sight of a particularly large burn scar that goes up his bicep, it’s completely healed but the skin is pink. 

What had Taeyong gone through?

“Mm,” Taeyong turns in his hold and presses his face against Johnny’s chest, “You’re warm it’s okay.”

“Let’s join the group again, okay?” Johnny grabs his jacket and pulls it closer to them. “Come on now, sit up baby.”

The nickname slips off his tongue, but Taeyong blushes deeply, “I’m not a baby.” Taeyong pouts, but allows Johnny to fit his arms through the sleeves and zip it back up. 

“You’re cute like one,” Johnny hums,  _ shut up.  _ God he’s not thinking right. 

This isn’t okay, he can’t like  _ boys.  _ His parents would be so  _ mad.  _ It’s quiet for a while. 

“You’re so nice to me,” the boy says suddenly, “Like Doyoung and Mark are nice, but you treat me differently in a way I feel so safe. I don’t feel uncomfortable with you.”

“You make me feel safe too, you’re a blessing,” Johnny replies, “Thank you, that’s reassuring to hear. I was worried for a while that you were uncomfortable with me.”

“Johnny boy!” Yuta yells, “Get your ass back over here!”

Johnny laughs, then helps Taeyong up and shoves his hands into his pockets. Taeyong clings to his arm sleepily and trails behind him. 

“God, get a room you two,” Doyoung snickers, “Getting all cutesy over there.”

“I’m straight,” Johnny says, “And Taeyong is clingy, but I like it so it’s okay.”

“I wish a cute boy would cling to me,” Jaehyun frowns, “Unfair that the hetero guy gets all the cute boys.”

“Oi, read the room,” Johnny laughs, “I’m sure there’s someone who likes you.” He looks down at Doyoung, who has since occupied himself with the strings of his jacket. 

“Anyways,” Doyoung speaks up, dropping the strings of his jacket, “Why don’t we play never have I ever?”

“How do you play?” Taeyong says from besides Johnny, smiling sweetly. 

“They ask you if you’ve ever done something, if you have you just put a finger down,” Johnny explains, “It’s really easy once you get used to it.”

“Oh, okay,” Taeyong says, “Can you explain if I don’t un-understand?”

It comes out as a question, as if he’s not too sure that’s the correct word. Johnny smiles, his accent is very soft and cute, “Yes, just tap me if you don’t get it.”

Taeyong nods then looks back to the group, “We can play.”

“It might get a little nasty,” Jaehyun smirks, “Like NSFW type.”

“Um, NSFW?” Taeyong giggles, “What does that mean?”

“Like, sexual,” Johnny lingers a hand on his back before lifting his hands up. Taeyong follows shortly after, looking slightly more tense.

After a few stupid questions, ones that haven’t been able for Taeyong to put a finger down to, it gets to the more NSFW questions.

“Never have I ever done something sexual while my mom or dad waa still home,” Doyoung said, looking around the group for people who have. 

When Taeyong puts a finger down, Johnny immediately shoots his gaze to Taeyong. A chorus of  _ oohs _ go around and Taeyong flushes.

“Really, Taeyong?” Yuta gasps, “So scandalous! I thought you were so innocent but it appears the kitty isn’t.”

Taeyong doesn’t seem to understand all he says, but doesn’t tap Johnny’s knee to know so Johnng could translate.

“It wasn’t fun or anything,” Taeyong replies, just when Jaehyun is about to make a remark, Johnny clears his throat.

“I’m tired, Taeyong let’s go home,” Johnny says, and Taeyong looks up at him.

“Okay,” he stands up along with Johnny and grabs hold of his sleeve, “Bye everyone.”

The group looks suspicious, but says their goodbyes nonetheless and then they’re off. 

Johnny trails slightly behind Taeyong on the walk home, the boy staggering a bit in his steps.

“Hey, there’s a beach not too far from here, wanna go?” he asks, and Taeyong just nods. “My parents are probably still up anyways.”

The walk is long. Taeyong is quiet the whole way.

When they arrive, the gentle waves of Lake Michigan hit the shore calmly. Johnny shoves his hands in his pockets and looks at the horizon where the moon sits over. 

“Taeyong, lets talk,” Johnny suggests. “You don’t have to open up completely, but I want to get to know you so I can set boundaries and prevent them from being crossed. In turn I’ll do the same.” 

“O-Okay,” Taeyong nods once, “In Korean.”

Johnny lets out an exhale and sits down, “Anything that makes you comfortable.”

_ “I don’t know where to start,”  _ he says,  _ “There is a lot.” _

_ “I’ll listen to everything you want to tell me. You can hold my hand.” _

Taeyong grabs Johnny’s hand as soon as it’s free and squeezes it,  _ “My parents were never there.”  _ he starts,  _ “Dad was always at work, but then when he was home my parents fought. It got too much sometimes and I’d cry. My dad was weird with me all the time. He’d touch me and say ‘Mom doesn’t let him do this anymore.’ I didn’t get it.” _

“Oh Taeyong,” Johnny says, “You don’t have to-“

_ “There were weird men around me my entire life. They touched me sexually, but I didn’t get it.”  _ Taeyong whimpers,  _ “They’d hurt me. I was so young, they’d scar my arms if I didn’t give in.” _

He shrugs his jacket off and brings out his arms,  _ “It’s hideous. I’m gross. But I don’t let those men define my life, I’ve grown a lot from it. That is until my mom went insane and tried to kill me for stealing her spotlight by trying to burn the house down.” _

Johnny tenses, the fact his own mom tried to kill her  _ son  _ for being assaulted and  _ raped  _ by her love affairs made his stomach twist.

_ “Then I was put in foster care. I hated it. So I signed up as an exchange student to escape everything. My mom is in the mental hospital because she pleaded insanity and won the case.”  _

“Taeyong, I’m glad you’re out of it,” Johnny says after Taeyong stops talking, “ _ I’m sorry. I know sorry doesn’t do anything, but you don’t deserve any of that. No one does.”  _

“I’m better now,” Taeyong confirms,  _ “No more bad people can hurt me.” _

He squeezes Johnny’s hand, offering a smile, “Now you. Tell me about yourself.”

Johnny sucks in a deep breath, “All there is to it is In a mess.  _ I hurt myself because I felt misunderstood, miserable, and alone. I was so numb and my parents didn't understand anything. They’re overbearing and forceful, my grandma passed away and I lost control.” _

Taeyong nods, “Sometimes…” he pauses to find the words, “There's not a happy ever after,” then it’s quiet. 

He sniffs, then pulls his hand from Johnny’s and rubs the nap of tallers neck. 

“Because those are just fairy tales, but there can just be the end of the story, no one has to be happy to have a content story,” it’s a little broken, because he’s still working on his English. But Johnny gets it. 

“You’re stronger than anyone I’ve met,” Johnny brings up, “ _ I’ve known you for so little time, but every moment with you I feel safe.” _

That’s the end of it.

Johnny feels his heart race, the way Taeyong looks at him. There’s no more denying this feeling. Taeyong is so beautiful, so strong, and so wonderful in every way. Johnny hasn’t felt this safe and warm in so long, because he’s so used to being alone 

In a room full of friends and family, he’d find himself alone. Despite how happy his friends made him, there was a sinking feeling. That they’d never like him for who he was despite them being similar in many ways.

He grew up with no one to guide him, spent his days alone with no friends or family beside him except his grandma. 

But with Taeyong, there’s a sense of understanding again. People go through terrible things, people get hurt. The best people have the worst experiences, but will always grow. That’s Taeyong. His past will never define him. 

Taeyong is so bold. He’s strong and kind, Johnny knows this and the language barrier never existed, because he was able to make Taeyong feel at home with his first language. 

He’s thankful. 

“I’m glad you’re here today,” Johnny says, “You will only continue to grow.”

Johnny is bisexual. He’s always been bisexual, but his mind was so afraid to accept that part of himself. But he knows now, because he’s grown to like Taeyong more than a friend would. 

Tragedy is the eye of the storm. You stand in the middle while the world turns to chaos, but you still feel all the pain it causes. 

He understands. 

“I understand you,” Taeyong says, “Don’t hurt yourself anymore.”

“T-Thank you,” Johnny chokes out, he feels his heart beat faster and there's tears in his eyes, “Fuck Taeyong, thank you so much.”

He cries, he doesn’t ever cry. But with Taeyong he can.  _ He understands. He knows.  _

“There’s so much wrong with me,” Johnny whimpers, “I just have felt so alone my entire life. I never thought there would be someone who got me.”

“You’re not alone,” Taeyong replies, “ _ It’s impossible to be alone when there’s billions of people in this world. Alone is a feeling, but to be alone is impossible.” _

And that’s the end of it. 

They’re not high anymore. If they were Johnny doesn’t know if this conversation would even happen. 

———

Where there is home, comes with hurt. 

They arrive at home at dawn, and Johnny’s mother is standing there. She looks at them with a cold glare, and Celery whines as he sprints up to Johnny, and he takes the cat into his arms. 

“You’re late, extremely late,” she says, then looks behind him at Taeyong, “You’re supposed to be a good example, but once again you’ve turned back to being this no boundaries and disobedient kid that you’ve grown into.”

“It was my idea,” Taeyong spurs out, “It was my fault. Don’t get mad at him because it was me.”

She stares into his eyes for a long moment, “Really? John, you’ve got the kid to lie for you?”

“H-Honest, Mrs. Seo, I-I asked to go to the beach. My fault.” Taeyong stutters, “I take the blame, because it’s my fault.” 

“Go upstairs and get sleep, I need to talk with John,” she ushers Taeyong upstairs and grabs hold of Johnny’s arm, “You, kitchen now.”

Johnny obeys and disappears behind the door of the kitchen and waits for his mom. 

When she comes in she glares at Johnny long and hard, “I’m severely disappointed in you.”

“For what?” Johnny tries, “I’m eighteen. Why are you holding me back so much?”

“I’m not,” she replies, “But when my son doesn’t speak to me, talk to me, let me know the things that go on with him I get upset. You’ve always been off to me, you’re not depressed, you’re not messed up.”

Johnny goes to speak, but she silences him. Like always, “I give you a good life. I let you go to school. I let you hang out with those kids. Me and your father work hard so  _ you _ can live a happy life.”

“You give me the essentials to live, but that doesn’t mean you love me,” Johnny says, “I know deep down that you regret having me. I was the mistake.” 

He was born when his mother was graduating high school.  _ A mistake. _

_ I was the mistake.  _

_ I was the mistake.  _

_ I was the mistake.  _

“I doubt that you really want to get to know me as your child, or if I’m just the burden you have to care for because  _ you  _ have never been there for me,” Johnny’s voice cracks. He can’t cry, not in front of his mom. “Jesus, like I try so hard to please you. I get good grades. I’m going to college in the fall, I don’t get myself killed… but it’s not enough.”

“You aren’t getting it through your skull, Johnanthan!” she raises her voice an octave, “ _ You  _ only care when you  _ want  _ to. We give you a good life, so why aren’t you happy?”

She dismisses everything Johnny says. He’s over it. 

“Do you know in the seventh grade was when I first hurt myself, it was on purpose,” Johnny says, “I broke your razor and hurt myself.”

His mom silences and looks at him, “Did you know that in ninth grade my girlfriend cheated on me and I almost killed myself, but Yuta was there and he got me to not do it? You didn’t?”

Johnny chuckles at her silence, “See? You don’t know me. You know nothing about your own kid because you’ve  _ ‘given me a good life’.  _ I’ve lived my life feeling so empty, so drained every day and even just essential things like waking up  _ hurts. _ ” 

“Johnny.” she begins, “You…”

“Cut the crap, I’m going to bed.” Johnny stands up and when his mom grabs his arm he shrugs it off and leaves the kitchen without another word. 

_ I was the mistake.  _

Tears fall down his cheeks, too fast to wipe away and Johnny just goes upstairs to avoid anything more. His dad is in the doorway to his parents room looking at him. He looks exhausted and worried. 

But Johnny ignores him, entering his room and shutting the door a little roughly. Taeyong is there. 

“I’m sorry,” Taeyong says softly, “Do you want a hug?”

Johnny nods pathetically, letting the boy wrap his thin arms around his waist and resting his head against his chest, “I don’t want you crying. Please don’t cry.”

He sniffs, “I’m not crying.”

At that, Taeyong giggles, “I see your tears.”

“Ugh, this is embarrassing, isn’t it?” Johnny smiles, “Crying for the second time in front of you?”

“Crying isn’t a bad thing,” Taeyong hums, “ _ Gets the feelings out.” _

It gets the feelings out. 

_ “Mommy I tripped and fell,” Johnny says through tears one evening after playing outside, “It hurts really bad.” _

_ “Boys don’t cry,” his mom says, “It’s not bleeding so you don’t need a band aid. Toughen up, go get cleaned up for dinner.” _

_ His Dad watches in silence. Sometimes silence is worse than speaking. But Johnny is only six, and boys don’t cry so he wipes his tears and runs upstairs.  _

_ When he’s thirteen he breaks his arm. He rushes inside in panic and tears, sobbing from the immense pain of the break. He’s already purple and blue from the fall.  _

_ “Mom, it hurts so bad,” he cries, “Please make it feel better.” _

_ She sets the phone on her shoulder and looks him over, “You look fine. Now stop crying and do your homework.” _

_ Johnny stiffens.  _

_ Boys don’t cry.  _

“Thank you,” Johnny says after silence, “How about we just watch a movie then go to sleep.”

They do, they watch a few horror movies and Taeyong gets scared, but he’s comforted quickly by Johnny’s soft hand. Their night has been eventful, so they finally fall asleep around ten am. 

When Johnny wakes up, his father is standing above him with a concerned look. Taeyong is still sleeping curled into his side. 

“What I said about your grandma,” he rubs his neck, “It was wrong. I’m worried for you Johnny and I let myself give into the frustration. It’s not your fault and I’m sorry.”

Johnny smiles softly, “I forgive you. It hurt, but I understand. Thank you.”

He doesn’t apologize back, he’s learnt to not apologize for his feelings. His dad leaves the room with a small nod, then pauses at the door. 

“Know I’ll love you no matter who you decide to love, too,” he leaves at that and Johnny is left in silence. He sighs and sits up against his back board. 

Taeyong twists in his sleep and then sits up, the long sleeve shirt that Johnny gave him hangs low, exposing his chest slightly. There’s a small burn mark that flowers down and hides behind the fabric. 

“Hey, how did you sleep?” Johnny asks. 

“I slept okay,” Taeyong murmurs, “Sorry for falling asleep on you.”

———

It’s July and Taeyong is finally 18. They’ve gotten closer, Johnny is always next to Taeyong. 

They also are going to go to the same college, because Taeyong says he’d feel safer next to Johnny. He called him his guardian angel once. It felt odd in his chest, his heart twisted in content that he could be the one to protect Taeyong when he needed it. 

They’re going to Bianca’s party. Johnny at first was nervous, because Taeyong didn’t really seem to like people he wasn’t close with. 

But he insisted and said he’d be okay. So it was settled. 

Jaehyun and Yuta come around eight, picking them up in a car and blasting some pop song Johnny doesn’t know. It feels like a dream, he doesn’t remember when they got there. 

It’s also good to note Taeyong’s English has improved a lot, he’s more comfortable talking in it and is always repeating what Johnny says to learn. It’s pure. 

Taeyong smiles when Yuta says he looks pretty, that he likes the glitter. 

The beach house is an hour away, and when they arrive the music can be heard from the driveway. Taeyong looks curiously at house large the house is and even asks if this was rented, to which Johnny laughs and says Bianca is just  _ rich.  _

They’re surrounded by woods, which is terrifying to say the least and the cell reception is terrible. When they enter, they’re smothered in drinks and hellos. Some girls even swoon over Taeyong and pinch his cheeks, but Johnny swats their hands away. 

“Oi, leave him alone,” Johnny scoffs, “Taeyong isn’t a little thing for you guys to handle.”

Taeyong giggles, “It’s okay, I don’t mind. I like being praised.” 

Johnny sucks in a deep breath, Taeyong makes it so hard to function properly. He guides Taeyong to the back where there are a bunch of other graduates chilling and drinking. 

“Hey, Johnny!” a guy cheers, “You actually came to a party?”

“Might as well since it’s the last,” Johnny replies, he sinks into a lawn chair and Taeyong takes a seat in the one next to him. 

“Who’s this kid,” a girl says, “I don’t think I’ve seen him around school before.”

“I’m an exchange student, Johnny’s family is housing me,” Taeyong replies, “I’m from Korea.”

“Woah, that’s sick,” the same guy says, “I’m Jackson, that’s Bianca.”

“Hello,” Taeyong offers a smile, “What are you doing out here?”

“We’re chatting, do you want a drink?” he asks kindly. It’s weird to Johnny. Because Jackson isn’t the typical nice guy, so he finds himself giving second thoughts on if he should just take Taeyong home after all. 

“No, I don’t drink,” Taeyong thankfully says, he is soft spoken and polite with his response. Jackson huffs, then leans back and stares into the blaze, “Do you have juice?”

Bianca hands him a glass, Johnny puffs his cheeks and allows it. 

“You know, Johnny, that chick Margaret is here,” Jackson nods to the house, “Why don’t you go get her and bring her out here.”

Johnny eyes Jackson, then looks over to Bianca who just shrugs. 

He doesn’t like Margaret. He likes Taeyong. But to avoid suspicion, he looks down at Taeyong. 

“Will you be okay for a couple minutes?” Taeyong nods and offers a sad smile. 

Johnny wonders why his eyes look so sad now, but he brushes it off and heads inside. He can’t find her anywhere, so he opts to ask a guy by the beer pong table. 

“Hey, is Margaret here?” 

“No, dude, she has exams to take before college,” he laughs, “You’re speaking of the girl on the cheer team right?”

“Yeah,” Johnny processes the words and his blood runs cold moments later. Why the fuck would they lie about her being here?

He storms away moments later and bursts into the backyard, Taeyong is standing by the pool, Jackson, Bianca, and some other guy are next to him. Before Johnny can call out, he sees Jackson shove the smaller boy into the pool with a cackle and high five from the other guy. Bianca slaps him and curses him out. 

When Taeyong doesn’t emerge, Johnny bolts across the yard and jumps after Taeyong without a second thought. 

Teenagers are cruel. Especially to the most vulnerable, and Johnny wants to fucking beat the ass of Jackson. 

He tugs Taeyong to the surface, who takes a deep breath of air the moment his head hits the surface. Taeyong clings to him immediately, his shaking body against Johnny’s as he brought both of them to the shallow end. When they can both stand, Johnny checks him over for any signs of being hurt beforehand. 

“Are you hurt?” Johnny asks, “What did they do to you?”

Before Taeyong can reply, Jackson scoffs, “So Seo is a fairy boy now too?”

“What the hell is your problem?” Johnny spits, “What if he drowned? Then what, get charged with fucking manslaughter?”

“Dude it’s not that serious,” the one guys says, “Let it go.”

Johnny helps Taeyong to the side of the pool and helps him out, then pulls himself out. 

“Grow the fuck up and quit picking on kids half the size of you,” Johnny storms towards Jackson and shoves him back, “Aren’t you being held back because you couldn’t fucking pass your classes?”

It’s Jackson who throws the first punch, then it escalates quickly after. Bianca rushes away, and the other guy grabs onto Taeyong so he can’t get to Johnny. 

People pour out of the house to see their fight, and Taeyong whimpers in the one guys hold, begging for him to let go. Johnny faintly heard people cheers and shouts, and Taeyong cries. 

Then he’s being pulled off of Jackson by his biceps, he recognizes the hold as Yuta and Jaehyun, then huffs and looks at Jackson’s ass still lying on the concrete. He looks completely annihilated. 

“Dude what the fuck!” 

It’s Cory, the boyfriend of Bianca and sadly another douchebag Johnny wishes he could beat. 

“He almost fucking killed someone!” Johnny defends, “Where’s Taeyong?”

Doyoung appears in front of him in seconds and takes his face in his hands, “Johnny, breathe. Come on, bud.”

He can’t tell if it’s an anxiety attack or if he just can’t breath, but Doyoung calms him down and pets his hair. Jaehyun and Yuta finally release their hold on him and Johnny whips around to look for Taeyong. 

Distantly he can see Taeyong with Mark, who is coddling the older boy without touching him a lot. 

“Fuck all of you,” Johnny says, he turns around and runs over to Taeyong. His small frame is wrapped in a thick towel, most likely given to by Bianca. He grabs Taeyong’s hand and starts his way out to the front of the house, “We’re leaving.”

Taeyong obeys and lets Johnny drag him away, his hold on the thin hand tightens the further they go. 

“Johnny you’re hurting me,” Taeyong says, but Johnny doesn’t register it. “Johnny!”

Finally, he stops walking and whirls around, “Your holding my hand too tight.”

He lets his hand go immediately and rubs his face with his hands, “Jesus I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Taeyong says, “I should have known they’d mess with me.”

“No, it’s not your fault. They tricked you,” Johnny says, “Those guys are assholes. I shouldn’t have trusted them with you but I did, and I’m sorry Taeyong.”

“It’s okay,” Taeyong says, “I didn’t know you could fight so well till now, so I guess I learned something new.” he giggles cutely and pinches Johnny’s cheek (the one that’s not bruised).

“Well I don’t fight people often,” Johnny chuckles softly, “I think I just had to put that jerk in his place. He’ll never touch us again.”

Taeyong giggles, it’s adorable, “I assume so. I think you gave him a concussion so he probably won’t even remember what happened.”

The gang all meets up back front, Doyoung is holding dry clothes for both of them and Mark has towels. 

Yuta looks pissed off. 

“What the fuck happened back there?” Yuta demands, “You never fight people.”

“He pushed Taeyong into the pool,” Johnny says, “I don’t think he can swim and it pissed me off.”

Yuta sighs, “Alright, he deserved it. But what if he calls the cops on you?”

“Well, I’ll tell them exactly what happened, Bianca will testify with me and confirm my story,” Johnny shrugs, “He could’ve killed someone.”

Johnny and Taeyong are allowed privacy in the car while they change. He helps Taeyong into new pants and even brushes out his hair with his fingers a bit. 

“I’m sorry again,” Johnny says, “Are you okay?”

“I-I’m fine, I think the scariest part was watching him attack you and being touched by a stranger,” Taeyong says, “It made me feel terrible. I didn’t like the way his friend held me.”

“You’re safe now,” he says to Taeyong and smiles. 

They finish changing, and they’re on their way back to Johnny’s house. The car ride is silent. 

And if anyone sees the way Taeyong and Johnny hold hands the entire way they don’t say anything. 

———

The summer is warm, the beaches are packed, and Johnny feels content. For once, there isn’t a rift in his emotions. He’s become more open with his friends about his feelings because Taeyong encouraged it. 

He and Taeyong lay back on towels while their friends mess around on the beach. The summer air beaming down on them and burning their skin. Johnny isn’t wearing his t-shirt like he usually does, but Taeyong remains in his thin white long sleeve. 

There are some burn scars on his legs, but not as much so. Johnny thinks Taeyong is beautiful no matter what, because even the most perfect humans have their flaws. Taeyong is beautiful, inside and out. His hand stays in Johnny’s, squeezing it every now and then. 

“Johnny, are you scared for college?” Taeyong asks one moment, and Johnny turns his head to look down at the boy. 

“Not really, it’ll be good to get away from my parents for a while, no matter how much I love them… they can hurt me a lot,” Johnny says, “I’m excited to finally quit my job at the convenient store and start fresh. Maybe throw a going away party, visit my grandma’s favorite spot and chat with her.”

“That’s nice,” Taeyong says, he clears his throat, “My mom contacted me recently.”

“Oh,” Johnny hums, “What happened with that?”

“The facility said that she’s doing a lot better and has been sulking in remorse for what she did to me,” Taeyong hums, “It’s crazy to think, I haven’t seen her in person for over three years.”

“Do you think she’s better?”

“Yeah, I do, I have faith,” Taeyong says, “She was always a fighter. I think what made her lose her mind was my father's abuse and all of the men she tried to find happiness went after her child. I don’t forgive those men for what they did to me, but I forgive my mom.”

“What’s going to happen to her when she’s released?” Johnny asks, “Will she have somewhere to stay?”

“They’re offering to set her up in a neighborhood full of people like her, although most of the time family members stay with them,” he replies, he picks at the hem of his shorts, “I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m her only family.”

Johnny understands now. If she’s released there’s a chance he’ll have to leave, but Johnny is selfish. He doesn’t want Taeyong to go back. He knows and believes there’s a chance at getting better, but what she did to her son was morbid. 

Hell, if Taeyong goes back he’ll feel some sort of way. Johnny can already feel the sadness build up in his chest.

“But just so you know, she’s still considered mentally unstable,” he cuts off Johnny’s train of thought, “They won’t let me go near her, she did try to kill me.”

Taeyong rubs his face, then leans on Johnny’s shoulder, “Sometimes you have to let go of the things you cherish most in the world.”

He rests his eyes, “And I love my mother more than anything. I know she’s better, but what if seeing me triggers something inside of her?”

Johnny nods, “I’m sorry, this must be really hard to handle.”

“It is,” Taeyong says truthfully, “But I like being here. I’m learning and growing everyday surrounded by people who won’t hurt me.”

“I’m glad you’ve found comfort in this world,” Johnny looks at Jaehyun who’s wrapped Doyoung in his arms from behind, “You got lucky, you met people that mean a lot to me, they’re good people. I’m glad that you can trust them.”

“Maybe not as much as I trust you,” Taeyong says, “But it’s a start.”

The day goes by fine after that, he and Taeyong eventually going and messing around with the others. They even go into the lake, and Taeyong holds onto Johnny the entire time. 

By the time the sun is setting, after the crowd at the beach has faded away, Johnny and Taeyong stand side by side. The sunset is beautiful, it is sinking below the horizon. 

“Taeyong.” Johnny kicks at the sand and turns to face the smaller, “I have something to tell you.”

“Mhm,” Taeyong looks at the sunset still, “I’m listening.”

“You’ve taught me that it’s okay to feel that way I feel,” Johnny takes in a deep breath, “And I know this can cause something to shift between us but I need to tell you before we go off to college.”

Taeyong is looking at him now, his eyes slightly sparkling, “What is it Johnny?”

“I really, really like you,” Johnny says, “Like not in a friendship way. But like the romantic way.”

Because Taeyong is beautiful. He’s funny, he’s soft spoken, and understands. Despite the scars on his body he has so much hated, despite his insecurities and how hurt he feels whenever his parents put his emotions down, despite everything in his life that has made him feel alone— Taeyong understood. He stood by his side and said it was okay to cry, that things would get better. 

“Oh Johnny,” Taeyong whispers, “I-I do too, but are you sure?”

“Of course I am,” Johnny laughs through the tears that form in his eyes, “I really like you. A lot.”

Taeyong giggles, “You can kiss me, you know, to prove it.”

“Can I?” Johnny cups one side of Taeyong’s face and smiles gently, “Is it okay?”

“Yes, it’s more than okay,” Taeyong is the first to lean in, he gets on his tippy toes and plants a kiss onto Johnny’s lips. 

The kiss is sweet, they sink into each other and Taeyong’s hands fall to Johnny’s as it his own cup the back of the small boy's head. Johnny deepens the kiss and smiles a little. Taeyong falls so pliant underneath him as they kiss longer. 

When they pull away, Taeyong lips are red and swollen a bit, his eyes shining at Johnny. 

“Thank you,” Taeyong says, “For making me feel like I’m normal and not being mean to me for the way I look, it’s always been an insecurity of mine, I thought I was ugly. But with you I feel beautiful.”

_ But with you I feel beautiful. _

“You make me feel beautiful too, Taeyong.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, as always comments and kudos always appreciated!! 
> 
> Please remember you’re not alone. My Twitter is @yestydays and my dms are always open if you need someone to talk to. I love you and you are important to this world.
> 
> *NOTE: any dialogue between Taeyong and Johnny in italics are them conversing in Korean, otherwise out of dialogue italics are inner thoughts of Johnny*


End file.
